Emotion is Dead

Word.

Thu, 11 Mar 2004 20:19:01 GMT

Okay, well..my parents are officially gone for 5 days. And I get a vacation from work, which is even better. I think this weekend is gonna go really well. Munchkin [I call him Munchkin..he calls me Pumpkin, we're cute ;x] is staying the weekend with us, and helping me out. Yes, I'm in another relationship..it should've been a while ago, but I was being really stupid and couldn't get my head together. I'm all good now though, but anyways..he gets along really well with both of my sisters & I'm pretty happy that he's gonna be around. Plus it's always nice to fall asleep while someone holds you. Or maybe that's just me. But yeah, it's gonna be fun..my parents left us 200 dollars. Am I going to spend it? You better believe it. They also left the keys to both of their cars..now, honestly, I don't understand why they wouldn't take their keys with them, because I'm driving their cars all weekend. And they both hate it when I drive their cars. But, it's gonna save me a ton of gas money. Besides..my car is overdue for an oil change and I haven't gotten around to that yet. So, yeah..I have some suff that I need to go finish, my room needs to be clean ;D and my sisters need to be picked up. Oh, Traci has her first driving lesson tomorrow night..I'm not sure who's more excited, her or me. Okay..I'm really going to go now.

YEAAHHH

Wed, 10 Mar 2004 04:16:53 GMT

Okay. All I have to say is this. It's no wonder that Northerners can't stand Southerners. You guys are messed the fuck up. That having been said, you owe me some God damn answers and information..so, stop being such a pathetic pussy and give them to me. I think after all you put me through that I at least deserve that. Unless you have absolutely no soul or heart whatsoever. Which is also possible. But call me..or IM me if you're too damn scared and give me something, you at least owe me that. And if you can't see that, then you're more messed up than I could ever say.

Sun, 07 Mar 2004 18:21:03 GMT

Okay, so..I guess I need an update. And I just lost my train of thought because Cody came over here to bring back Traci's Finding Nemo movie which I left in his car yesterday morning. My bad..I was so out of it. I think she's a little pissed, but oh well. Yeah, so Cody and I are good again, which is awesome..because he's my best friend and I love him to death. And we came thisclose [ha] to not being friends anymore. But like I said, we're all good again, so I'm happy. My weekend was pretty good, Friday night a bunch of us slept over at Melissa's apartment..well, some people slept and other people didn't. I know I didn't sleep, because at around 4 it got FREEZING & I was on an end, so people kept pushing me off of the comforter and onto the carpet..which was a lot less comfortable. And Cody and I were trying to share this little red blanket and he's a freakin blanket hog. So I was just like..it's cool, who needs sleep. He didn't get much either though because I kept moving..I'm talking constantly, so he'd get woke up everytime I moved. Whoops. Adam had a date on Friday, so I was happy for him. Until he told me a bunch of stuff that I didn't really wanna hear. So I guess that date didn't really mean much, but what can you do. He was really crabby last night..it was kind of annoying. He wasn't being crabby to me, but he was being super moody to all the other guys we were with. So I kept pushing his hat down and I'm like..don't listen to him you guys he's PMSing tonight. He didn't like that, but it was true. I hate when guys get all pissy like that. I'm pretty sure it was because I was with Cody Friday night, while he was on a date with some other girl. Like I'm not allowed or something, but I'm not his property so I guess he's gonna have to get over it. But anyway..that's the continuing story of my boy drama. Cam called me on Saturday..but I was working so I missed it. And we've pretty much been playing phone tag since then. I miss him, I hope they're having better weather than we are..but I don't really know. Georgia's gotta be better than Wisconsin though, so I'm sure they are. Oh, side note..my little sister is taking her Temps test on Monday. I can't believe it, it's so crazy that she's gonna be driving soon. It almost makes me want to cry. But yeah, that's about it for my update.

Something that's way past due.

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 03:19:06 GMT

First and foremost I think you're pathetic. You're quite possibly the most pathetic person I've ever met. You're 22 years old and still use other people and your past as scapegoats for the fact that you're too much of a pussy to make promises or decisions and stick to them. And this isn't just about me or what you did to me. This is in general. I didn't let myself think any of this before because for some reason unknown to me now..I was in love with you, but you are beyond sad. Grow the fuck up. Not only did I love you unconditionally, and support you..I also helped you get out of that hole that you couldn't get out of alone. Big surprise there, right? You weren't man enough to stand up for yourself..you let people push you around, [some people who were fucking..14 years old at the time..and you were what? 18? ..That still makes me laugh.] and then you let them back into your life. Why? Because you're a God damn pansy. Maybe you should be man enough to take some fucking responsibilty for yourself. Make a commitment for once in your life and stick to it. Just because you're a baby and can't get over anything from your past..you expect people to wait around while you figure all your shit out. Everyone has things from their past that were hard on them. Guess what?! You're not the only one! But I bet they can deal with it. Other than all that...you're fake. You say empty words, and make empty promises. You only tell people what they want to hear. And don't even try to tell me that, that's not true, because we were together for over 2 years..and we went through everything..and if you had ever meant ANYTHING that you said to me..you'd be torn up right now. But you're not. Why? Because you're a liar and a bullshitter. Sometimes I can't believe I stayed as long as I did..or cared as much as I did. I put up with so much of your crap for so long, that it's sickening. I don't know what makes me feel worse...the fact that I got played..the fact that I loved you with everything that I had..or the fact that for some reason completely unknown to me, I still do. Because unlike you..when I say something, I actually mean it. I guess that's the difference between the 2 of us. I'm younger..but I'm able to say things and mean them & handle things that come my way better than someone who has 3 more years of life experience than I do.

Tue, 03 Feb 2004 21:07:03 GMT

I guess I need an actual entry..something other than me bitching about the snow & EXTREMELY cold temperatures. So, okay, lets see..I'm on a hottness makeover. You know when you just wanna do something for yourself and change your image around? That's where I am right now. I already changed my hair..I cut it and dyed it & I've been going to the gym 3 times a week. Because I always feel like I get blah in winter..ya know? And I just wanna be more toned. Yay4theGym. Hm..OH, my dad did my taxes for me [yes, I'm retarded & don't wanna do my own taxes] and I'm getting $938 back between Federal and State. So, I'm pretty excited. That's gonna help me pay for my trips. I've been seeing someone..we're not dating, we're just...seeing. But, he's planning to ask me out on Valentine's Day. And I wasn't sure how I felt about that..but now I know. Yeterday was the second and I felt nothing. I wasn't sad, nostalgic, upset, hurt..nothing. I was perfectly fine, and on top of that, it was a Monday. In fact, until I filled out a date on one of my checks, I didn't even know what day it was. But after I found out..I didn't even think about it. I'm really proud of myself. But other than that..there's nothing extremely new going on. I've been really busy and I like how everything's going for me right now.

I'm happy...for the first time in a long time :D

Get a load of me,
Get a load of you,
Walking down the street
And I hardly know you
It's just like we were meant to be
The problem is, this is just the beginning
We're already wet and we're gonna go swimming

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever I talk about you
Its inevitable... it's a fact that we're gonna get down to it
So tell me...
Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you

Isn't this the best part of breaking up
Finding someone else you can't get enough of
Someone who wants to be with you too

Its an itch we know we are gonna scratch
Gonna take a while for this egg to hatch
But wouldn't it be beautiful?

I'd love for you to make me wonder
Where it's goin'
I'd love for you to pull me under
Somethin's growin'
For this that we can control
Baby I am dyin'

Why can't I breathe whenever I think about you
Why can't I speak whenever talk about you

*Oh yeah..everyone should download the song; Lift It, by Thousand Foot Krutch. It's so good

Tue, 27 Jan 2004 03:18:06 GMT

Winter Wonderland my ass. Here's a big Fuck You to anyone who complains about not having snow or who wants more of it. My Florida countdown is about to begin.

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 22:55:29 GMT

Okay, so..the Packer game yesterday was awesome. That was one of the best games I've seen in a while. The last 10 minutes..was edge of your seat. I know they lost..but it was still an awesome game. Although..there's rumors going around that the time was at 0 before the ball was even snapped..meaning that the Packer's should've gotten the ball back & the field goal that tied the game and caused overtime wouldn't have counted. I guess some people got it on tape..and they're gonna be airing the footage on our news stations. I didn't notice..I was too busy watching where the ball was going on that kick. I love football season. Anyway, what's going on besides football? Hm. OH..I saw Bad Santa, best movie ever. People walked out of it..because it was so vulgar..I thought it was so funny. Nicki & I were the only ones laughing I swear..and we were laughing so much I was crying. Oh..it was good. Then again..I have a mouth on me, so hearing the F bomb dropped a bunch of times doesn't phase me. I didn't think any movie would get up there with Old School in terms of making me laugh uncontrollably..but oh man. I'm getting that badboy on DVD as soon as it comes out. This weekend kinda sucked..but I guess that's what I get, because drama just seems to follow me around. Um, my friend Adam decided that he has feelings for me..and that's just great. Especially since 2 of his friends..who are also my friends..also have those feelings. It's so beyond awkward for me, because I don't know how to act around any of them. It's all around a lose, lose situation for me. It's definitely making me stress..I won't lie. And EVERYBODY has been asking Adam and I if we're going out. Because we've been together pretty constant lately, and he's teaching me to play guitar and whatnot. Someone said that he's known people who were going out that spend less time together than Adam and I do. I didn't see it that way, but Im really oblivious to that kind of stuff. I don't know..it sucks though. Especially since I don't wanna hurt anybody..and I keep getting grilled about my feelings or lack thereof. 3 friends..do you know how much that sucks? Plus..it makes me feel bad..kind of like I did something wrong. I'm not sure what..it's hard to explain. But I really do feel like it's my fault & of course..I don't know how to fix any of it. So, I'm gonna do what I do best and avoid it until it eats me alive. Guys bring me nothing but drama. Except for this next guy I'm gonna write about. He made my night on Friday..because I had gotten into a fight with Cody..like always. So, it was like, 3 and I was asleep, and my friend Billy called me. Well, we haven't talked in a while..which sucks because we've known each other since we were 12. Seven years is a long ass time to know someone on this thing. But he called to say he missed me and I didn't know what to say. He had 2 friends over..and they both wanted to talk to me, so I talked to them..and that jackass had to show them my pictures. So they were calling me hot and making fun of my accent..again with the awkard. I was just like, "no...but thanks?" But aww..I missed that kid, it made me really happy to get a random phone call from him like that..even though I was asleep. It made my night though. THANKS BANGABLE BILLY..I LOVE YOU! <3 Work has been pretty awesome lately..which is weird, but man..I love Kids Corner. I really do. But I don't work again until Thursday..I'm pretty excited. Even better? I'm goin on a Florida road trip over Spring break. There's lots of hotties in FL..and it's warm. Honestly..how can you go wrong? Exactly..I can't wait. But now that I wrote a novel, I'm gonna go take a shower, because I've got a date with Old School and Nicki. Later.

Mon, 05 Jan 2004 23:55:36 GMT

Okay..where to start? New Years was awesome. Party hopping is always fun, but we ended up staying at Matt's the longest. I got a tag-team kiss at midnight..it was so funny. My friend Bret is like "we need to make out at midnight" so I told him to make out with Amanda..because she has a thing for him & they tag-teamed me. Good times. Yeah, I was definitely intoxiated. But I got a crown for best kiss of the night. Oh man, so then on Friday, a bunch of us went to Nicki's apartment in Parkside annndd..again with the intoxication. I think I played every drinking game ever invented that night. And I realized that my alcohol tolerance level is really high, which is weird because I'm little and I haven't had a drink in forever. But, Chrissie got so trashed so fast..and it was taking me forever. Nicki & her room-mate lofted their beds..and they were really high [to me anyway] ..and Chrissie fell right off. It was so funny. She's like "heyyy guys, I'm tired" and she reached over to grab a blanket and fell off the bed. Then the girls who live beneath Nicki started pounding on the ceiling because we were being too loud. Yeah..so, we definitely pounded back and we're way more obnoxious than those girls are so..they lost. But they hit on Nicki's boyfriend all the time so, they deserved it. Some random guys called up her apartment and asked if we had big boobs. Speaking of calls, I made one out of drunken-ness that I wish I wouldn't have. I completely spilled my guts to this one person. I'm pretty sure Chris told him that I didn't know what I was saying because I was drunk, but I'm not positive. It was a crazy night. Of course..we didn't sleep at all once everyone left and Nicki, Nina, Chrissie, and I all had to drive back to Franktown early on Saturday morning because I had to work at 12, & Nicki had to work at 3. Yeah..I got sick at work twice. Ah well..happens to the best of us. Next time though, when people tell me to eat a greasy hamburger after drinking..I'm gonna do it. Live and learn really, usually just water does it for me. Then Adam and I saw Peter Pan on Saturday.lol. Worst movie ever. I really don't know what we were thinking. We're kind of retarded. Um..there's a lot of snow outside, and that's..fun. Not really, Nicki and I almost died twice today on our way to some thrift stores. Haha..I got a shirt that says "Grandma's Gang" and then it lists 4 names..and I added Nicki's name on with a sharpie. I watched Old School about 10 times over the past week. Now I remember why that's my favorite movie ever. Anyway..I'm leaving soon. I'll update more later.

Sat, 27 Dec 2003 17:40:10 GMT

Christmas was cool..I got a lot of the things I wanted & some which I didn't..but I went shopping yesterday and fixed that. I also fixed my account because there were so many sales..then people took my debit card away from me. Haha. Anyways, last night was suppose to be girl's night. Yeah, it wasn't the best one I've ever had. You know when you think you really wanna see somebody, and then when you finally do, you realize it's not what you actually wanted? Story of my life. So, that was fun. We're hanging out with Cam tonight..that's gonna be cool. He's great, & he's excited to get the whole Northern experience. I think I can handle that. But yeah, I should go take a shower, I've gotta work soon. YAY.

Sun, 14 Dec 2003 23:24:34 GMT

Hm, hm. I changed my mind. This weekend was pretty crazy. Not so much today though, because I had to go Christmas shopping & I hate shopping, it sucks. I think I got more stuff for myself than I did for other people..and that's just not good. I still have lots to get though, blah. I don't think my mom's going to like what Traci and I picked out for her. Oh well, that's what receipts are for. Things have been pretty good for me lately, other than work..but really, what can you do? My friend Adam is teaching me to play the guitar..and that's cool, I really suck at it, but I'm trying anyway. I had a dream that I asked one of my guy friends out & we dated for a week and then I ended up dying. But it was really weird because I hung out with him a lot this weekend. Maybe that's why I had it? Who knows. I'm gonna tell him about it though, I just wanna see what he says. I don't really know what else..everyone comes home on Friday, so I'm excited about that. Also, I hadn't talked to Cameron in a while..we sorta lost touch, but I talked to him again randomly and he's coming here..well, to Madison, because he has relatives that live there & since it's Christmas..they're visiting, so we're gonna hang out, and that'll be cool. The weather sucks ass. My car doors were frozen shut the other day and I was so frustrated..I was two seconds away from calling in to work, but I changed my mind. There was some drama yesterday with my friend John..but I got some advice on how to deal with that, so I think I'm gonna take it. Guys are gay, and there's only so much you can do with that. I also can't wait until New Years..because I really wanna get trashed. That sounds bad, but I haven't had a drink in forever, and I want one. Anyway, I think that's it. I need a nap, I didn't sleep at all last night & I'm running on empty. No one in the world reads this, but if someone happens to..there's some fun FYI's for ya. Later.

Mon, 01 Dec 2003 02:00:06 GMT

You know..I'm pissed at myself for being so stupid, but in some ways I actually feel pretty good. Just to have closure I guess. And for once..I'm not torn up or hurt. I'm gonna get my life back on track & that's just fine with me. People wanna lie to me, hey..do your thing. But don't expect me to sit around and put up with it. I deserve better and I know it. And I'm going to get it. So, on that note..I'm gonna go. I have people to talk to and things to do. Like looking up hotels for a vacation that Chrissie, Nicki, Nina & I are taking sometime over Christmas break. I'm excited. Hm, I probably won't be using this thing anymore, because it's kinda gay..but we'll see. Later days.

Mon, 22 Sep 2003 00:27:35 GMT

So, Georgia was fun, & I'm really glad I went. There were a lot of learning experiences on that trip, so I consider myself slightly more educated than when I left. The whole X-fares thing worked out and I've never had such cheap plane tickets in my entire life. But right now, I'm so beyond exhausted it's not even funny..I feel like I haven't slept in a week, but it's only been a few days with little or no sleep. Then, I had to drive for about four hours [combined] to take my friend back to school. So..that was neat. But yeah, I also feel like I'm going to puke, because I ate non-stop junk food this weekend..like the equivilent of a little kid. And I definitely don't have the stomache of a little kid anymore & it's starting to catch up with me. I'm so nauseous. It was worth it though, because if you know me, then you know I always watch what I eat, so..it was kind of nice not to do that for once. Anyway, I think I'm going to go lay down..I don't have to work tomorrow, SCORE, so I can sleep. Oh yeah..I don't like how this has gone and changed up on me. I was like "whoa" ..just like that. Okay, bye.

Thu, 04 Sep 2003 18:01:41 GMT

I have no idea why I have a sudden interest in this thing. So, I stupidly watched Old School this morning and it got me all sad. Well, maybe more nostalgic than sad..I'm not really sure actually. I have all these different emotions bottled up & they're making me feel real weird. From moody to just ..weird.. in general. Anyway, I miss Nicki and I miss reciting all the lines from Old School at work and making all our bosses mad ;x I don't know why I watched that damn movie..I knew exactly what it was going to do to me. I'm an idiot. Heh, it hasn't even been a week since everybody left..I wonder how long it's going to take for all my real thoughts and feelings to explode on me. Blah, whatever.

Mon, 01 Sep 2003 20:14:34 GMT

So..everybody's gone now. Officially. It sucks, but really..there's not a whole hell of a lot I can do about it, so I'm trying not to think about anything. Other than that..work is gay BUT on the plus side, I get to move into Kid's Corner 3 times a week..so I'm really excited about that. Also, with everybody gone..I won't be doing something every night, so I can get back into the habit of saving my money. Then I can finally get my apartment & start making bigger payments on my car every month. That way it'll get paid off faster. More negatives than positives but I need to find some bright side to all the changes, so I'm trying..and that's the best I can do. Chrissie & I are going to Atlanta in about 3 weeks..and I'm really excited about that. I could use another vacation. We're already both looking up hotels and various other things. We know some kids down there who offered to pick us up from the airport..so that's cool. I'm excited to see them & find out how their first band performance went anyway. We also decided that we're going to that Six Flags & we're gonna compare it to ours. I'm sure ours is better ;x They don't know about that Raging Bull. But yeah..this weekend definitely wasn't one of my favorites. I cried way too damn much for my own good. It really pissed me off. I know shit happens, but still. I agree with my last entry where I said that I wish I was an idiot, & that ignorance really is bliss. It's so true. Yeah, that's it.

"So is that what you call a getaway
Tell me what you got away with
Cause I've seen more spine in jellyfish
I've seen more guts in 11 year old kids
Have another drink and drive yourself home
I hope there's ice on all the roads
And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt
& again when your head goes through the windshield"

I'm writing again..these letters to you

Mon, 25 Aug 2003 00:21:09 GMT

Okay, so..Friday I got yelled at, really yelled at actually..for being an Athiest. I'm sorry..but that's not very Christian like. I hate being attacked because my view happens to be different from someone else's. I don't knock anyone else for believing what they want to..so why do it to me? I also hate when Christians call Athiests Satanists. Clearly..if I don't believe in God, then I don't believe in Satan, fuck face. But yes..this woman told me that I'm not going to hell, but I'm going to be stuck in Pergatory. Then she said something about World War 2 and Athiests..but I stopped listening after the part about Pergatory. Whatever. Thankfully, Kyle was in there with me..and he's an Athiest too, so I wasn't alone. I wanted to rip her hair out, though. And she's in her 60's. You know you're cool when you have nothing better to do than attack some kids in a break room. Good times, actually. Anyway, the summer's over..and it's finally starting to hit me. The honeymoon phase is over too. Oh yes. Everyone keeps telling me not to worry about anything & that everything will be the same..but I know better than that. Sometimes I wish I was an idiot..because that way when people pitch you bullshit..you believe it. No questions asked. Ignorance really is bliss. There's some other stuff, but I don't really know how to go about typing it. Oh well, I'm done anyway.

Sat, 09 Aug 2003 06:49:28 GMT

Okay, so I just got home & I know I should be asleep..but I have so much stuff that I want to get out of my head..and this is the only release I have, as sad as that is, it's true. Today was bad..and by bad, I mean..weird mixed with crappy. So, this kid who has a crush was randomly like "so..are you still seeing someone?" And it really caught me off guard. I was like, what the fuck, do you have radar or something? That's not the only reason it was weird..it just was. Okay, I'm going to skip the part about my day because it's not really important I guess. I'm in such a slump right now. I guess I have been for the past month with everything going on. Or on & off in some cases. My heart hurts so much, I can't even describe it. If you're lucky..there'll be a time in your life where you'll find someone who's so beyond perfect for you that it's not even funny. They'll know everything about you, know when you're lying, know when you're upset, know when to push & when not to push. They'll be there for you at your absolute worst and still tell you how amazing you are. They'll be the one person you know that you can't live without. And they'll be able to hurt you worse than anyone else because your love and passion for them runs so deep that everything is on another level. I know in my heart that no one will ever make me feel the same way that this one person does..and that scares me so much. How are you supposed to let go of something that has literally become a part of you? It's like ripping out your heart and soul and handing them over to someone. I have no idea where I'm supposed to start. Mainly because I don't want to start. I've never been so completely in love, or just complete in general before..and now that, that's being taken away all I am is lost. I know that when you love someone you're supposed to care about what's best for them and not be selfish. So, that's what I have to do I guess. I'll sacrifice everything for what's best for him. I'm such a wreck, and it hurts so bad. But what can I do? There was so much that I wanted to say, but I just couldn't because of that whole selfish thing. It's not my place to make those kinds of decisions. The worst part about this is, how much it actually kills you. They don't call it heartbreak for nothing. And I've been hurt before..but this is so much different. And I'm so sick of people telling me that I don't know how I feel, or I'm too young to feel such deep emotions. That's bullshit because I know exactly how I feel, and how I'll always feel. This one person has taught and given me so much, and I'm just not myself without him. He's my better half and without the better half..all there is, is me. They say time heals everything, but I don't think that's true. Time could never heal what I'm going through right now. Maybe in time..the pain will be less intense, but it will always be there. And that's what no one gets. When someone affects your life so profoundly...that never, ever goes away. And it never will. Because no matter what happens, you'll always be inside me. You'll always be my soulmate. You'll always be the one who contrasts me in every, single way possible. You'll always be the one who went through important mile-stones of my life with me. You'll always be my best friend. You'll always have a huge chunk of my heart. You'll always have the shoes that no one else can fill. You'll always be the purpose of my existence. And most importantly..you'll always be you. If anyone who happens to read this has any clue what I'm giving up or going through..just shoot me now, because that would be so much easier. My life will never be the same without you..and that's a fact. I love you with everything that I have inside me & all of those feelings are eating me alive.

"And if it's healthier to leave you be, may your sickness come and set me free...kill me while I still believe that you were meant for me"

Wed, 06 Aug 2003 03:22:36 GMT

Jen -

Wow.. look at me. I'm in your journal. Just a heads up for any other guy who just randomly wants to talk to my girl.. don't or I'll find you and beat you :D Anyway.. yeah.. so I got this random thing in my journal from some girl saying that she really likes me and stuff? It was weird but I liked it. A lot.. You know what else I like? Being with you. Just thinking about you makes my whole day. It doesn't even matter if my day was crap either. Just thinking about you makes me feel 94387592834673495 better. You're basically my whole world. It's crazy but true. I for real have no clue where I'd be without you in my life right now. Just thinking about you being gone makes me feel all.. empty and lost. I don't know.. you're my heart and it's kinda hard to live without you. I've never felt so strongly for a person before. I mean.. you're beyond amazing and I would gladly spend forever and a day with you. I mean.. I feel like I can't get enough of you. You really are like a drug or something. I need you everyday or I'm not complete at all. Its crazy to think that we've been together for two years. I couldn't even dream up a better girl to be with. You're so perfect for me. It's not even funny. I mean.. come on.. we have the same pop tarts in our house. That's got to tell you something right there. I'm so in love with you. I love every single thing about you. The way you say my name, the way you say I love you, the way you get all squeaky whenever you're starting to get all worked up about something you know I'm right on. You're just great Jen. I'm for real the luckiest guy in the whole world because I'm with you.
Okay.. now that I can't stop smiling which is weird because this is about you.. that's about it. I love you so much sweetheart and you better send that stuff or else.. I'll just keep reminding you.
Joey

Tue, 05 Aug 2003 00:12:57 GMT

People, things & situations are fucking gay.
I can't wait until Florida.

Sat, 02 Aug 2003 17:40:40 GMT

Wow look, I'm updating this piece of crap. Anyway, I'm exhausted & also really pissed off for numerous reasons. One being that my phone bill is messed up AGAIN, so now I have to go and talk to them for about the fifth time. If it didn't cost me $175 dollars to terminate my plan early, I'd get rid of the shit piece, but ya know..since I'm going to Florida and missing a week of work, I really need my money. Speaking of Florida, that's another thing that's bothering me, I have my confirmation # but they were supposed to e-mail me something and they haven't yet. I guess I'll talk to my mom..who knows. There's so much I have to do by next Saturday. Oh well, I don't really wanna think about it right now. There's other bullshit going on...as shocking as that is, heh, but I'm not writing about it because there's no point. I should be happy today, instead..I'm not. I'm just really pissed off. Whatever..I'm done before I say something I'll regret.

Well it's not fair
It's not even close
You tied me down where I'm forced to watch
As you poke holes in every part of me
Containing something secretly
Something sacred to me
Well I lied my face off when I said that I would be okay
It's never fine when you go away
These cuts run deep,
These scars are permanent
And always on display
This makes things difficult for me

With so many problems in her life..it just comes natural

Fri, 11 Jul 2003 19:42:56 GMT

Woo..yes. so, okay, I went into work because I thought I worked from 2-9..but I actually work from
4-9. So, yay me on that one. This is what happens when you don't write your schedule down. I'm an idiot, actually. But yeah..again, I just need a place to put my thoughts. I'm really confused, like..massively confused. Everything is just hard I guess. I don't know. I've got so much stuff on my mind, & it sucks because it overwhelms me and I never know the right things to say or not say. Then again..I don't what I'm supposed to feel and what I'm not supposed to feel. I know that I'm really hurt, which..how could I not be, and sad, but really, really angry and pissed off at the same time. I'm not sure what to do..so I'm trying not to do anything. I'm trying not to think about it or talk about it. When it comes up, I either change the subject or just do what I can to make this one person feel better, because I care about him so much that I'd rather myself be upset than him. But then I think..he thinks that I don't care. When it's actually the opposite. I just don't want him to see my upset because then he might feel bad..and he's dealing with enough as it is. I just hope that he knows how much I love him and that not being together is absolutely killing me even though it might not seem like it. I don't realy know exactly what I'm trying to get out of my head, so I'm pretty sure that I'm done here. Also, this Trapt song that I'm listening to..is now going on my profile because it's so true at this moment.

Tue, 24 Jun 2003 22:27:09 GMT

Okay, I lied. I came back & I'm using this damn thing because I don't know where to put my thoughts. I could write them out in a notebook or something, but then it's right in my reach..and I really don't want to be able to reach over and re-read all the bad stuff I put down..so I'd rather not give myself that urge. You know how it is. Ha..YEAH, you dont. [Haha.."It's like you're yelling in a birthday card. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! ..*love* Nicki"] Anyway..my life sucks. What else is new? I wish I wasn't such a slow learner because then I would catch on to the fact that my life sucking is my fate. But, yeah, I don't. This stupid Evenessence (I don't know how to spell their name and I really don't give a shit either) song makes me sick because it makes me think about crap..assholes. I'm rambling, my bad. Basically, I feel like my heart exploded in my chest..yeah, exploded, not just broke into pieces, because at least if it's in pieces you feel like it can be put back together somehow..but this is different. I don't know how to explain it so I'm not going to try. I'm so stressed out, I feel like I can't breathe, and I don't know what to do to help myself so I'll have to suffer. Yay. Okay, that one song was gay..but Cold's Stupid Girl is speaking to me. I always say "I want to shoot blahblahblah in the face" now I wish someone would shoot me in the face. Life sucks. Friday is going to suck. Late August is going to suck. Next Wednesday is going to suck. Next year is going to suck. I'm not prepared for all of this. So many bad things are happening at once right now, and they're kicking my ass. The ONLY good thing I can think of is that I got my 8 hours back [THAT'S RIGHT DONNA..EAT IT. You caved like a mother..you didn't even put up a fight with me, stupid ho.] so now I don't have to work as much during the week, and I'll have a little time to myself. Other than that..there's a major lacking of bright sides to look for. I was supposed to do something tonight, because it's Ghetto Tuesday..what, what. But now I don't think I am. People still want to..but I don't really feel like it. Then again..I say that now, when they call me, we'll see how fast I cave..just like Donna did, heh. But maybe not..because I'm really, really not in one of my better moods. I don't even thin getting kicked out of Walmart would help. Gross..I'm going to cry. Okay, no more of this thing.

"Liiiggghhtt a maatttccchhhhh..cause I deserve to buurrnn, buurrrrnnnn, burn"

"Fuhck Yoo" heh..Sorority Boys

Fri, 06 Jun 2003 17:40:04 GMT

Uh..yeah. I have no idea why the hell I'm writing in this thing..I couldn't even remember the password and then randomly I did. I guess I just need a place to put my thoughts or whatever. The last two days SUCKED ASS. Well, I thought Wednesday sucked..that is, until I went through Thursday. Worst day ever. Then of course..as everything in my life tends to do..it got progressively worse as the night went on. I kind of wish everyone would just leave me alone when I get like that because no matter what I say it drips with distain, and sarcasm, and this huge amount of attitude without really meaning to..sometimes it even takes me a while to realize that I'm doing it. And then, no matter what I do..I can't tone it down. I literally have to give it a few days and a few sleeping times to just let it fade away. I'm completely incapable of having a normal conversation with someone when I'm like that..actually, it's even hard to just talk period. Yeah, I have issues. But whatever, I don't care. The only time I care is when it makes me cry, like last night. So, not only was I feeling extremely weird, and upset, and pissed, and sad, and whatever else goes into those genre of feelings..but I was suffocating on my own air. Since, essentially..that's all you do when you cry. GOOD TIMES. Sunday is going to suck so badly. Not looking forward to that actually. Today, all I wanted to do was watch Days and Passions on my day off..and of course, tennis is on. But really, why wouldn't it be? I need some chocolate. Thank God that Old School comes out on Tuesday. On another note..my car needs an oil change. Excellent..because I don't really have the money for it right now. Okay, I'm done here, because I know no one in the world will read this..and I'm sure I wont be back anytime soon.

These subject things suck..I never have a subject

Wed, 11 Sep 2002 20:09:27 GMT

First of all..I refuse to talk to anyone but Chrissie about 9/11 because no matter what I say, it comes out wrong..or people twist my words around, so I'm biting my tongue on the whole thing.

Secondly, I start work on Monday, I'm kind of excited I guess..I know a ton of people there, so that makes things more fun. I'm saving up for a new cell phone, and a $90 dollar jacket..which I'm hoping my mom will go in half with me, plus school. At least I have a lot of hours.

Third, I wanna dye my hair again..I don't like the color right now, I want it lighter I think. Also, I just decided today that I'm on a diet, because I want to lose 5 pounds. I just feel like I need to since I'm gonna cut down on my skating time. Just thinking about not skating as much makes me feel fat ;x Damnit.

Fourth, Joey, I love you..and I'm sorry, heh. I haven't written that in here for a while, not for any particular reason either. And while I'm thinking about it, I have to tighten your bracelet again..which happens to smell like Sweet Pea. Shocking, I know. Also, thank you..for everything.

Okay, other than my Mountain Dew is flat..I have nothing else to say. Oh wait..PACKERS WILL BEAT THE PATRIOTS ;x Later.

Tue, 27 Aug 2002 05:40:13 GMT

So, this week's going to go by really fast..I know it. Whenever you don't want specific things to happen, they do. Anyway..tomorrow is Ghetto Tuesday, so that should be a plus. On Wednesday or Thursday we have to go to Matt's apartment, since Sunday is just making its way nice and quickly. I'm trying to brace myself because a ton of Change is coming for me, I won't be prepared though..it just doesn't work that way. Wow, yeah, subject change..I REALLY want to go to The Packers/Saints game. That would be so awesome. I know who I need to talk to about that, so I'm going to work on that tomorrow. Man, that would rock. I can't get my hopes up though, just in case. Well, that's all..here's a Gurlie survey I found. Enjoy.

1. Out of all the shades of pink, which one is your favourite?: I don't like pink..but if I had to choose, darker pinks are better I guess
2. What length skirt do you like?: Short
3. What hair products do you use?: Herbal Essences Fruit Fushions, Suave Herbal Hairspray..and then I have a million and one different kinds of gels and some pomades..I don't really use any of those, but they're good to have
4. What makeup, skincare, and products do you use?: I use L'oreal face wash and moisturizer..I use Jergen's lotion for my face, L'oreal, Jane, Maybelline, Almay and Covergirl make-up, and I use Sweet Pea as my everyday lotion
5. What's the worst thing about guys?: Hm..too much pride
6. What's the best thing about guys?: Guys are much more laid back and easier to talk to, plus they don't hold grudges
7. Worst thing about PMS?: What isn't the worst thing about PMS? Lets see..the Headaches, the food cravings, the mood swings
8. Bra or no bra?: Bra
9. Are you addicted to chocolate?: Yes
10. Do you think you're fat?: Yes and No..I know I'm not, but then in the back of my mind there's always that doubt..or when you eat too much junk food, OR when clothes just don't look good on you..ya know
11. Do you and your friends actually have "slumber parties"? Not really anymore, we used to all the time
12. Are you ticklish on your sides?: Extremely..but I'm ticklish everywhere
13. Do you take advantage of being a girl to get free stuff?: Sometimes ;x
14. Are most men liars?: That's not really fair..but yeah
15. Have you been accused of being a slut?: Nope
16. Do you like getting manicures?: Yep, and pedicures too
17. Do you always shave your legs and underarms?: Yeah, everyday. Have you ever been around a girl who doesn't shave EVER? It's disgusting..it'll make you think twice about skipping days
18. Is it true that men are naturally better at math?: I think so
19. Is a woman's place in the kitchen?: Hell no, and no one would want me there, because I can't cook anyway
20. What do you think of getting pregnant?: I think of pain
21. Who would you rather be like Britney Spears or Mother Theresa?: Neither..Gwen Stefani
22. Do you always say "awww" when you see a furry little animal or an infant?: Yeah..all the time ;x
23. As far as sports go: playing or cheering?: PLAYING
24. Are you proud of powerful women like Cleopatra and Bloody Mary even though they were mean?: Yeah, they knew what they wanted and they went for it..sometimes you have to be mean to get people to listen to and/or respect you
25. Clothing: comfort or fashion?: Both
26. Do you like getting all dressed up and pretty?: Yep
27. Of all the questions in this survey which was the most girly?: Maybe the "aww" one

Mon, 19 Aug 2002 16:05:30 GMT

I don't know what's up with me using this thing so consistently lately. I just have a lot on my mind I guess. I got woken up at 7:30 this morning, which really sucked considering that I didn't sleep..again. There's just so much that I don't understand right now. That's really vague, but it's extremely painful when you don't understand your own life. I want to understand where I belong, what I'm meant to do, who I belong with. I need closure, I can't stand when things are up in the air..and right now that's all they are. Nothing is solid and it scares me. It doesn't just scare me, it terrifies me. It makes me feel really helpless. There are some solid decisions that I need to make, and I won't be okay until I do. I wonder if anyone even realizes that I haven't been myself for a while. I don't know, alright..bye.